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Reflections After a Year Navigating Grief by Rev. Daniel J. Commerford
In December of 2020 my mother, Gail Turner Viau, passed away after a courageous battle with ovarian cancer. Except for my wife, hers was the relationship closest to me, and she was the first person outside my marriage I’d go to for advice and counsel. We lived five minutes from one another, spoke almost every day, and shared a meal together at least once a week. My mom was also an amazing grandmother who loved Hannah and Micah fiercely. Before my mom got sick, Hannah cherished her sleepovers and adventures with “Honey” that would occur frequently. Grappling with her death has been the most difficult challenge I’ve ever faced. Amidst a year of massive transition moving from Tequesta to Gastonia, I’ve also been navigating a grieving process that has been like nothing I’ve ever experienced. After making it through the first year without my mom, I’d like to share six reflections about my grief journey, especially where it intersects with my faith.
Christ’s resurrection fundamentally shapes how we grieve
1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about those who have died, so that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have died.
My mom was a consummate example of living a life transformed by Christ’s love. More than anyone, she taught me how to keep Christ at the center of every facet in life. She rejoiced in the Lord when times were good and relied on the Lord when times were hard. Throughout it all, she proclaimed the resurrection of Jesus Christ that has conquered death for all of us.
For that reason, I have no doubt that my mom is experiencing the fulfillment of God’s promise to walk with us for eternity. Knowing that my mom is in God’s glory has fundamentally shaped how I grieve. My grief doesn’t arise from any existential dread about her eternal fate. Rather, my grief is centered on acknowledging the loss her death has created in my own life and adjusting to living on earth without her. This does not make grieving easy by any means, but it has prevented me from descending into despair. Christ’s resurrection gives me the assurance that we will be together again as a new creation in God’s glory. For that reason, I grieve with hope instead of despair.
We cannot bear our grief alone
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all consolation, who consoles us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to console those who are in any affliction with the consolation with which we ourselves are consoled by God.
There is no way my family and I could have made it through this year without the support of others. In the first couple weeks after mom mom’s death, when I was largely incapacitated by the trauma one often experiences in the initial stages of grief, my congregation in Tequesta stepped in to care for my family and me. Amidst a particularly bad COVID spike, they provided enough meals to feed my family for two full weeks. Even though it was Advent, they encouraged me to stay home with my family until I was ready to come back and showered us with messages of love and support. I will forever be grateful for the Christlike care they provided my family and me in that vulnerable time.
God has also blessed me with amazing friends who have consoled me and helped carry the burden of my grief this year. Longtime friends from Minnesota, Georgia, and Florida, friends from seminary and colleagues in ministry, and now new friends we’ve met in Gastonia have provided needed comfort and support. The staff and leadership at FPC Gastonia who knew about my mom have been gracious in allowing me to weep or withdraw when I need to. I have a therapist who has helped me process my grief and move forward in a healthy way. I share all of this not only to express my profound gratitude, but to acknowledge the many sources of support God gives us when we grieve. Normally, I rely on my family to be my support network when times are tough. But when our entire family needed support in our grief, God showed me how big Christ’s family can be.
Christ’s resurrection fundamentally shapes how we grieve
1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about those who have died, so that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have died.
My mom was a consummate example of living a life transformed by Christ’s love. More than anyone, she taught me how to keep Christ at the center of every facet in life. She rejoiced in the Lord when times were good and relied on the Lord when times were hard. Throughout it all, she proclaimed the resurrection of Jesus Christ that has conquered death for all of us.
For that reason, I have no doubt that my mom is experiencing the fulfillment of God’s promise to walk with us for eternity. Knowing that my mom is in God’s glory has fundamentally shaped how I grieve. My grief doesn’t arise from any existential dread about her eternal fate. Rather, my grief is centered on acknowledging the loss her death has created in my own life and adjusting to living on earth without her. This does not make grieving easy by any means, but it has prevented me from descending into despair. Christ’s resurrection gives me the assurance that we will be together again as a new creation in God’s glory. For that reason, I grieve with hope instead of despair.
We cannot bear our grief alone
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all consolation, who consoles us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to console those who are in any affliction with the consolation with which we ourselves are consoled by God.
There is no way my family and I could have made it through this year without the support of others. In the first couple weeks after mom mom’s death, when I was largely incapacitated by the trauma one often experiences in the initial stages of grief, my congregation in Tequesta stepped in to care for my family and me. Amidst a particularly bad COVID spike, they provided enough meals to feed my family for two full weeks. Even though it was Advent, they encouraged me to stay home with my family until I was ready to come back and showered us with messages of love and support. I will forever be grateful for the Christlike care they provided my family and me in that vulnerable time.
God has also blessed me with amazing friends who have consoled me and helped carry the burden of my grief this year. Longtime friends from Minnesota, Georgia, and Florida, friends from seminary and colleagues in ministry, and now new friends we’ve met in Gastonia have provided needed comfort and support. The staff and leadership at FPC Gastonia who knew about my mom have been gracious in allowing me to weep or withdraw when I need to. I have a therapist who has helped me process my grief and move forward in a healthy way. I share all of this not only to express my profound gratitude, but to acknowledge the many sources of support God gives us when we grieve. Normally, I rely on my family to be my support network when times are tough. But when our entire family needed support in our grief, God showed me how big Christ’s family can be.
Grief is not linear; it’s cyclical
Psalm 34:4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.
In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote about the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) that have become a common way people articulate their grief. Over the last year, I’ve discovered that these stages aren’t experienced in a linear fashion, but rather cyclically. Even a year later, I experience all of these emotions as I grieve. There are momentsI reach for my phone to give my mom a call. I still feel anger that Hannah and Micah will not grow up with a grandmother whose dream it was to be their biggest cheerleader. Some days, I find myself playing the “what-if” game, where I ponder if there was anything we could’ve done to save my mom’s life (there wasn’t). Sometimes, my grief will suck all my energy away and leave me on the couch weeping. Thankfully, I’ve also experienced moments when I am able to be grateful for the time I had with my mom and look ahead in life with hope.
No matter what stage of grief I experience, I’ve learned that I can go to the Lord as I am in that moment. God wants to hear from us when we are happy, sad, angry, and everything in between. With that, I try to follow my mom’s example and involve God in every facet of my life. I’ve prayed to God asking for strength and comfort; I’ve questioned God why my mom had to die when she did, and I’ve thanked God for everything I’ve been given. No matter what shape my grief takes, I worship a God I can approach and rely upon to give me what I need to persevere through anything.
Recently, David Kessler has written about a sixth stage of grief where one finds meaning in remembering those we’ve lost. I’m not quite there yet, but am confident that I’ll experience that one day with God’s help.
We never conquer grief, but we can learn to carry it
Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
A couple months after my mom’s death, a church member toldme that she still grieves the loss of her mother who passed away twenty years earlier. Even though I was sorry to hear about her pain, I was grateful that she shared her experience with me. It helped set my expectations for how long my grief journey will be. Grief is not something we conquer. Rather, it’s a reality of living in a mortal world that will accompany us for as long as we are on this earth. Grief is not only a process of healing, but also one of learning. As our hearts heal from the trauma of loss, our brains rewire themselves while learning how to experience life without a relationship that has been a part of our identity. For that reason, grief can be exhausting at times! The best we can do is learn to carry our grief in a healthy way that doesn’t consume other areas of our life.
Carrying my grief this year has taken the shape of learning how to respond when it hits me. Sometimes grief creeps up slowly and smothers me like a thick fog. Sometimes it hits me as powerfully and quickly as it does unexpectedly. When the latter happens, I find myself overwhelmed with a range of emotions that arise to the surface suddenly and can only be released with genuine weeping. I’ve experienced this in expected and unexpected moments. I broke down during communion on All Saints’ Day, but also wept through my friend’s wedding service. In both moments, I was confronted with the loss of my mom and had no choice but to navigate my grief in that instant. I’ve also had many more private moments when my grief has bubbled upand caught me by surprise.
When grief hits, it’s tempting to resist the pain when it arises, to ignore it’s there, or to numb it in various ways. Admittedly, I’vetried all three of those coping techniques, but none of them work as well as letting the grief hit you as you experience it and seeking comfort in a healthy way. God has promised those who mourn will find comfort, and I’ve experienced that comfort best when I face my grief instead of running away from it. As time has passed, I’ve found that the intense episodes of grief have decreased in frequency and that I can carry my grief without letting it consume me. I believe comfort is the gift Christ gives to those who mourn, and it’s the gift I ask to receive every day.
Psalm 34:4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.
In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote about the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) that have become a common way people articulate their grief. Over the last year, I’ve discovered that these stages aren’t experienced in a linear fashion, but rather cyclically. Even a year later, I experience all of these emotions as I grieve. There are momentsI reach for my phone to give my mom a call. I still feel anger that Hannah and Micah will not grow up with a grandmother whose dream it was to be their biggest cheerleader. Some days, I find myself playing the “what-if” game, where I ponder if there was anything we could’ve done to save my mom’s life (there wasn’t). Sometimes, my grief will suck all my energy away and leave me on the couch weeping. Thankfully, I’ve also experienced moments when I am able to be grateful for the time I had with my mom and look ahead in life with hope.
No matter what stage of grief I experience, I’ve learned that I can go to the Lord as I am in that moment. God wants to hear from us when we are happy, sad, angry, and everything in between. With that, I try to follow my mom’s example and involve God in every facet of my life. I’ve prayed to God asking for strength and comfort; I’ve questioned God why my mom had to die when she did, and I’ve thanked God for everything I’ve been given. No matter what shape my grief takes, I worship a God I can approach and rely upon to give me what I need to persevere through anything.
Recently, David Kessler has written about a sixth stage of grief where one finds meaning in remembering those we’ve lost. I’m not quite there yet, but am confident that I’ll experience that one day with God’s help.
We never conquer grief, but we can learn to carry it
Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
A couple months after my mom’s death, a church member toldme that she still grieves the loss of her mother who passed away twenty years earlier. Even though I was sorry to hear about her pain, I was grateful that she shared her experience with me. It helped set my expectations for how long my grief journey will be. Grief is not something we conquer. Rather, it’s a reality of living in a mortal world that will accompany us for as long as we are on this earth. Grief is not only a process of healing, but also one of learning. As our hearts heal from the trauma of loss, our brains rewire themselves while learning how to experience life without a relationship that has been a part of our identity. For that reason, grief can be exhausting at times! The best we can do is learn to carry our grief in a healthy way that doesn’t consume other areas of our life.
Carrying my grief this year has taken the shape of learning how to respond when it hits me. Sometimes grief creeps up slowly and smothers me like a thick fog. Sometimes it hits me as powerfully and quickly as it does unexpectedly. When the latter happens, I find myself overwhelmed with a range of emotions that arise to the surface suddenly and can only be released with genuine weeping. I’ve experienced this in expected and unexpected moments. I broke down during communion on All Saints’ Day, but also wept through my friend’s wedding service. In both moments, I was confronted with the loss of my mom and had no choice but to navigate my grief in that instant. I’ve also had many more private moments when my grief has bubbled upand caught me by surprise.
When grief hits, it’s tempting to resist the pain when it arises, to ignore it’s there, or to numb it in various ways. Admittedly, I’vetried all three of those coping techniques, but none of them work as well as letting the grief hit you as you experience it and seeking comfort in a healthy way. God has promised those who mourn will find comfort, and I’ve experienced that comfort best when I face my grief instead of running away from it. As time has passed, I’ve found that the intense episodes of grief have decreased in frequency and that I can carry my grief without letting it consume me. I believe comfort is the gift Christ gives to those who mourn, and it’s the gift I ask to receive every day.
Grief can pave the road for gratitude
Psalm 106:1 Praise the LORD! O give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever.
Revelation 21:1-4 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2 And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “See, the home of God is among mortals. He will dwell with them as their God; they will be his peoples, and God himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first things have passed away.”
God is good! I proclaim this while fully acknowledging my pain and grief. As powerful of a hold death has on this world, it will never be able to contain God’s love in Jesus Christ that has been given to us abundantly. Because Christ lives, I can be grateful no matter my circumstance. I am grateful that God gave me 35 years with my mom and that the quality of our relationship far exceeded the quantity. I am grateful for the many ways I’ve seen her memory come to life. Whenever I push myself to realize my potential and help others to do the same, her memory comes to life. Whenever I exude a resilient joy from the Lord that transcends circumstance, her memory comes to life. Whenever I wrap my children in the deepest hug, making it impossible for them to deny they are fiercely loved, her memory comes to life. If anyone gets excited about something after seeing me get excited about it, her memory will continue to live and impact the world as much as her life impacted me.
Above all, I am grateful that the pain of our separation is only temporary. One day, we will be reunited with all the saints and worship God together in a New Heaven and New Earth. I look forward to that day, but until then I’ll do what my mom taught me to do best, which is to live joyfully, love boldly, and pursue Christ wherever I go. Again, I proclaim that God is good!
Grief impacts us all in one way or another, but God gives us hope
Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Finally, I’d like to encourage all of us to recognize how grief impacts us. Grief doesn’t only occur when a loved one dies. We can experience grief when we lose a job or don’t get the job we were seeking, when a relationship is strained or estranged, or when life takes a different path than what we planned. We grieve when we lose an ideal or become disillusioned, when a dream we’ve been pursuing doesn’t come to fruition, or when we journey from one life stage to the next. Grief arises from many different circumstances and takes many different forms.
I don’t think it’s possible for any of us to have perseveredthrough these past couple years without experiencing grief. If you are struggling with grief in any form, please do not lose hope or try to bear it alone. If you need someone to talk to or a silent shoulder to weep on, please reach out to me or someone close to you! More powerful than the grief we endure is the truth that there isn’t anything in this world that will ever separate us from God’s love. God gave us Jesus Christ and one another so that we will never be without hope or have to grieve alone. May Christ’s peace that surpasses our understanding meet us wherever we are and provide us the hope to meet a new day until he returns again.
God is good!
Psalm 106:1 Praise the LORD! O give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever.
Revelation 21:1-4 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2 And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “See, the home of God is among mortals. He will dwell with them as their God; they will be his peoples, and God himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first things have passed away.”
God is good! I proclaim this while fully acknowledging my pain and grief. As powerful of a hold death has on this world, it will never be able to contain God’s love in Jesus Christ that has been given to us abundantly. Because Christ lives, I can be grateful no matter my circumstance. I am grateful that God gave me 35 years with my mom and that the quality of our relationship far exceeded the quantity. I am grateful for the many ways I’ve seen her memory come to life. Whenever I push myself to realize my potential and help others to do the same, her memory comes to life. Whenever I exude a resilient joy from the Lord that transcends circumstance, her memory comes to life. Whenever I wrap my children in the deepest hug, making it impossible for them to deny they are fiercely loved, her memory comes to life. If anyone gets excited about something after seeing me get excited about it, her memory will continue to live and impact the world as much as her life impacted me.
Above all, I am grateful that the pain of our separation is only temporary. One day, we will be reunited with all the saints and worship God together in a New Heaven and New Earth. I look forward to that day, but until then I’ll do what my mom taught me to do best, which is to live joyfully, love boldly, and pursue Christ wherever I go. Again, I proclaim that God is good!
Grief impacts us all in one way or another, but God gives us hope
Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Finally, I’d like to encourage all of us to recognize how grief impacts us. Grief doesn’t only occur when a loved one dies. We can experience grief when we lose a job or don’t get the job we were seeking, when a relationship is strained or estranged, or when life takes a different path than what we planned. We grieve when we lose an ideal or become disillusioned, when a dream we’ve been pursuing doesn’t come to fruition, or when we journey from one life stage to the next. Grief arises from many different circumstances and takes many different forms.
I don’t think it’s possible for any of us to have perseveredthrough these past couple years without experiencing grief. If you are struggling with grief in any form, please do not lose hope or try to bear it alone. If you need someone to talk to or a silent shoulder to weep on, please reach out to me or someone close to you! More powerful than the grief we endure is the truth that there isn’t anything in this world that will ever separate us from God’s love. God gave us Jesus Christ and one another so that we will never be without hope or have to grieve alone. May Christ’s peace that surpasses our understanding meet us wherever we are and provide us the hope to meet a new day until he returns again.
God is good!
